Macrophile.com

[MasterNightBlade]

Best game series in the history of ever. And Guybrush wins everything, INCLUDING Best Pirate ever. Even better then your precious Jack Sparrow.

And now, I go back to playing Grim Fandango. I've been writing this for WAAAAAAY too long already...

This bit of tripe was brought to you by many hours of Monkey Island, Grim Fandango, Judas Priest, Magical Trick Society's Phoenix Wright remix album 'Cadenza', Porno Graffiti, Queens of the Stone Age, and Earthbound.

Guybrush Threepwood and all related characters and areas (c) LucasArts

Characters (c) Their players and used with their permission

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Ah, the sea. From whence I came, and to where I return. Though why I'm returning I really couldn't say, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

"Guybrush..."

I remember it as if it were yesterday. I washed up on the shores of Melee Island, making my decree that I would be a mighty pirate. And I have become one! Meeting the love of my life, the governess of the Tri-Island Area, Elaine Marley...

"Guybrush!"

Proving my valor to her, discovering the mystery of Big Whoop, defeating the dreaded Ghost Zombie Demon Pirate LeChuck, scourge of the Caribbean and all pirates on several occasions, we've decided to once and for all find out the secret of Monkey Island! Our second honeymoon would have to wait, for danger will await us around every corner of...

"GUYBRUSH!!!!" Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate, looked up from his journal at the lovely Elaine Marley... who was currently engaged in an altercation with a walking, talking cat. A 6 foot tall walking talking cat with a horrible lisp and a thankfully nondescript view where Ma Nature split him, (thanks in no small part to a rather well positioned loincloth) but a walking, talking cat nonetheless. Elaine was dancing back and forth, a cutlass on her right hand, her left keeping her balance as she swiped viciously at the creature. "GET OUT HERE AND HELP US!" Guybrush rubbed the back of his neck, nervously fingering the ribbon that kept his braided, upturned pigtail in check.

"Coming dear!" he said obediently, placing his quill pen into the ink pot on the desk in his cabin. He gallantly took up his own cutlass and with a heroic 'ha-ha!', leapt forth into the fray... Only to have another one of the creatures, an otter with a hammer, be thrown into him unceremoniously. Carla, Insult-Sword Fighter Master, scowled at him, rushing past the now incapacitated mighty-pirate as he worked to free himself of the slick-furred beast. He looked up as she ran to the cabin door, smiling sheepishly at her. "Thanks Carla, I owe you one," he said in his amiable, non-threatening voice. She grimaced, shaking her head.

"Two more months, two more months, then I can start my cushy government job..." she muttered, brandishing her rapier and charging outside to help Elaine. Otis was nowhere to be seen, though cries of 'Help me help me, I've been captured and they're taking me to the brig of their ship' were heard a few minutes after the self-proclaimed and rather non-creatively titled 'Fuzzy Animal Formed Pirates Who Sail Around Monkey Island For No Apparent Reason'.

"We're putting in a request to the Pirate's Union for a new Flag and Title," the head of the raiding party had said sheepishly, which was appropriate seeing as she WAS a sheep. For fairly obvious reasons... Their garb was of traditional pirate fare, come wore caps, some wore bandanas, some only shorts or a sash. Though it was easy to tell who was male or female at a glance...

Guybrush, having managed to push off the lump of fur and muscle, ran outside onto the deck, wincing slightly as the sun assaulted his vision. The cannons were still smoking from the first blasts, the gangplanks and hooks keeping the two ships together. Half of the raiding party had either been knocked overboard or were incapacitated, laying against the railing clutching various wounds. He did a mental checklist of the variety of species: Sheep, wolf, fox, cat, otter, ox, even one that looked vaguely dragonish and was spluttering about in the ocean, it's wings tucked against it's back. He frowned and grabbed a life preserver, throwing it out towards the unlucky creature, who scrabbled at the mint-patterned ring for all it was worth. Mighty Pirate Threepwood nodded, and turned, brandishing his sword once more, ready for action...

Only to find that the last of the raiders were fleeing back onto their ship, Otis having (somehow) escaped from the brig and removing the hooks during his flight back to his own vessel. Otis panted heavily, his red hair matted with sweat and his beard tousled, flopping onto the deck. "Crazy... things..." he managed to murmur as they broke off. There was a loud yelp from captain's cabin, as the otter stumbled from the doorway and over the railing. He let out a cry of desperation, and casting one last look of embarrassment towards the crew of the SS Dainty Lady, flung himself into the water, slipping in with nary a splash. He snaked through the water like... well a snake, taking a moment to grab his draconian crew-mate, who looked at Guybrush soulfully as they swam off after their own ship.

Why they turned tail and ran so quickly, they didn't know, nor did they care to. All they knew is that they were well armed and rather violent. (Though Otis made mention that the females aboard the ship were rather pleasant, up until they turned on him. He wouldn't say WHAT he'd done, just that he blushed uncontrollably at the mention of the incident for the rest of his days) Elaine shook her head, her head of brown hair following suit, despite it being tucked underneath her bandanna. "Is everyone alright?" she called out. The rest of the crew, a group of generic, standby pirates in striped red and white shirts, nodded and grunted. Carla placed her rapier in her scabbard at her side, unsullied by blood, her Insults were the finely honed. Otis, still out of breath, gave a thumbs up, and Guybrush let out a whoop and a holler, grinning widely.

"Did you see that dear? I showed mercy to one of our enemies as he was drowning in the sea, harsh, unforgiving mistress that she is!" Otis and Carla frowned, and began to protest, but Elaine stepped in, giving her simple husband a kiss and a pat on the cheek.

"Of course I did sweetie. Go on and set us back on course, okay?" Guybrush nodded obediently at his understanding (and adjusted to his antics) wife.

"You meanBACK TO MONKEY ISLAND?" he announced. Otis let out a shriek at the mention of MONKEY ISLAND, curling into a fetal position and clutching his head. Carla sighed and bent down by him, consoling him and telling him that 'the bad things aren't there anymore'. Threepwood gave a hearty salute to his crew mates, sauntering towards the helm. He gave his white swashbuckler's shirt a careful tug, showing off his 'manly physique', and with a swish of his blonde hair, turned hard starboard.

The ship swung hard, kicking up a wake of sea foam, the sails billowing majestically in the strong ocean winds. A flock of seagulls floated on the port side, cawing and squawking, a few stopping to perch on the crow's nest. A pod of dolphins splashed on the ship's sides chattering amongst themselves, leaping above the surface of the shimmering waves and coming down with a triumphant splash. Carla tightened the sails, gripping the rope and winding about the mast posts, Otis had gone up into the crow's nest and was keeping an eye out for any sign of their destination or trouble, and Elaine was shouting orders at the grunts. She cast her gaze upon her husband, who was smiling serenely into the distance, his hands on the wheel. She smiled bemusedly, shaking her head.

Grand orchestral music would have piped in at this point, but since LucasArts axed the Cleverness Division and outsourced the story to a writing hack out in California, there's not much that can be done at that. Although, through the power of Words, the crew DID hear the music that would have accompanied their grand arrival to MONKEY ISLAND.

Yes, I'm under contract from the nuts who asked me to write this to place empasis on MONKEY ISLAND whenever the word is used. Because MONKEY ISLAND is a big name franchise, and MONKEY ISLAND is important enough to merit the inconvenience. So, back to the story.

......MONKEY ISLAND.

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They landed on the island without any trouble afterwards. Guybrush and Elaine, utilizing new technology that the residents of Melee Island had developed: The Portable Rubber Chicken With a Pulley In The Middle. They were carried to land from the ship, the landing boats no longer needing to be dispatched. Otis and Carla had agreed to come only on the terms that they didn't have to actually leave the ship, and having gone over their Generic Character in a Throwaway Story Contracts, the rabble aboard the ship didn't feel like risking their necks. So it fell upon the heroes of our story, Mighty Pirate Guybrush Threepwood and his wife, the dashing and charming Elaine Marley, Governess of the Tri-Island Area, to scour the island for it's biggest secret.

They had no idea how big it was...

"I wonder how Lemonhead and the rest of the Cannibals are doing..." Guybrush mused as the pair forged through the underbrush. Elaine blinked and sighed. "Oh right, they're vegans now... I heard that they bought themselves a mansion with the proceeds from the books they've sold. 'How to Serve Man' is one of the best sellers in the Caribbean you know!" The plucky pirate hummed jauntily to himself, following behind the governess as she hacked away with a machete.

"Guybrush, they locked you up and were planning to eat you."

"But they were so polite about it!"

"Ugh!" Elaine groaned, slicing through the foliage faster now. "What I wouldn't give for a map, directions, anything..."

"You rang?" Elaine whipped her head to the left, her grip tightening on the machete... And gaped in sheer disbelief. A small brown hut sat in the middle of a clearing about 10 feet off the path they had been taking. A short, pudgy black woman of indeterminate age sat in a tall chair made of leather for the backing, and a bone-like framework. A skull shaped idol clung to the top of the chair, leering accusingly at the pair, the tip of a purple towel wrap just underneath it, the base clinging to the crone's head. She sat in this monstrosity of a chair, easily twice her height, sipping a chilled drink on the porch, a concoction of questionable origin, as it shimmered a very light blue. 10 feet above her head, in flashing lights, the words 'VOODOO MOJO AND BEYOND' shone brilliantly. Guybrush peered around Elaine and waved, smiling from ear to ear. Mrs. Marley-Threepwood, no stranger to The Voodoo Lady's presence, was still slightly put off...

"When did you open a store on this god-forsaken rock?" The Voodoo Lady grinned and took another pull, setting the cerulean beverage down in the cup holder on her chair.

"A little after your husband there defeated LeChuck with the Ultimate Insult. All sorts of mojo got released during that fight, with no one to collect it. And a good portion of if got concentrated here. So here I am, using it in all of my latest Voodoo Charms." She reached down into a small satchel at the side of her chair and pulled out a miniature LeChuck Voodoo doll... "Flaming beard costs a bit extra. Easy to make though, what with all that mojo I mentioned." She grinned, but let out a little yelp as the fire from the minature effigy singed her hand a bit. The doll let out a 'yar-har-har!' as it fell back into the satchel, the beard going out as she shut it. "Still working out the kinks though..." At this point Guybrush stumbled forward.

"Does this mean you can finally make that sword that'll make me invincible and defeat my enemies instantly??" She smiled wistfully at him.

"Keep dreaming, Threepwood."

"Nuts." He frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. "We'd stick around, but we have to finish up soon. We're heading to Jambalaya Island after our little excursion here. I'm taking my darling wife here to that new restaurant they opened up. It's our anniversary soon, after all." Guybrush leaned in and kissed Elaine on her cheek. She almost wound her fist back and decked him one, but she remembered that they WERE married now, and that for all his faults, she DID indeed love him. The Voodoo Lady nodded understandably. "Oh, that reminds me." He turned to her, tapping his chin thoughtfully with his right index finger. "Have you heard back from LucasArts about the fifth game?" The Voodoo Lady shook her head, rummaging about in that same satchel from before and pulling out a slightly moth-eaten parchment. She unrolled it carefully, scanning the wall of legalese starting back at her.

"Nothing has been confirmed yet. I hope they start on it soon, royalties from these fan fics are rather lacking. And the premises behind some of them are just awful should read some of them! You know they've had a few with you and Meathook, and you're-" Guybrush let out a sharp yelp, shaking his head from side to side vehemently.

"Ahahahahaaa that's enough outta you sister..." he warned, putting an arm around Elaine's shoulders and whisking her away, back on course. "Let's keep moving sweetness." He said gently. The Voodoo Lady chuckled, then blinked as she remembered something.

"THREEPWOOD!" She called out, reaching up underneath her towering hat wrap, and pulling out a small green vial. He turned just in time to catch it, stumbing for a bit before his spindly hands grabbed ahold of it. "I've been hearing some loud noises for the past few days... Something big is stomping about further that way, and I don't know if it's friendly or not." He held the bottle up to the light, peering with some amount of skepticism at the hazy liquid within. "You drink that if you're in danger. There's powerful voodoo magic in that vial."

The pirate stuck out his tongue in distaste, the viscous nature of the drink visible from outside. "How do I know it won't kill me, or at the very least, dissolve my innards into a putrid sludge?" The Voodoo Lady raised an eyebrow, taking up her drink again.

"You drink Grog, right?"

"Yup."

"Then you're fine." She waved a hand dismissively at the pair. "Now go on, I've got work to get done. I got an order to finish up. Some customers on Blood Island need five dozen finger-bone hex charms by 9 o'clock tonight." She reached over and pressed an unseen button on her ghoulish chair. As if on an unseen track, the chair swiveled around and glided into the open door of the shop, the portal slamming shut behind her. Elaine blinked, watching her husband pocket the drink. She turned her attention back to the plants impeding their progress, her arm bringing the iron machete down swiftly. Guybrush followed in her footsteps, offering his words of encouragement and support. His feet stepped on something firm and wooden, crackling beneath his shoe. He paid no mind though. It wa probably just a stick.

Some distance ahead of them, something very very large rattled the ground. And some distance behind them, a broken label carved from wood lay in the dirt, a few letters still visible...

"E- Po--o -ia-lo"

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It happened very suddenly really. They'd been making decent progress, and after about 20 minutes they'd made it to a large clearing. They'd had little time to investigate because about 3 seconds after they'd arrived, the Fuzzy Animal Formed Pirates Who Sail Around Monkey Island For No Apparent Reason ambushed and captured them. The leader, that same sheep from before, approached the two of them nervously, conversing through the woodn bars of their cage. "Really, I'm terribly sorry about this..." she muttered. "But we were given very strict orders by LeChuck to detain any and all trespassers on the island." Elaine sulked against the bars, sighing, but Guybrush pressed his face against them, facing the 'woman', who by this time had introduced herself as Priscilla Emirez Esperanza Portessa.

"What about the Voodoo Lady? She's trespassing too isn't she?" Priscilla shook her head.

"Nope. She's said something about 'Contractual Immunity."

"Oh."

"Yeah..."

Guybrush, frowning again, tapped the bars with his fingers idly. "Soooo, there's no chance of you letting us go." She shook her head.

"Not until LeChuck comes back to tell us how to deal with you."

"You may be waiting a while."

"Why's that?"

"LeChuck is dead." Priscilla smiled wanely.

"We know that. And that hasn't stopped him from coming back, despite smelling like the 7th circle of Hell." Guybrush blinked, and she sighed. "Since he's a demon and all." He let out an 'ohh' and nodded in agreement.

"He's gone for good now. At least until the fifth game. I defeated him in an epic showdown in ESCAPE FROM MONKEY ISLAND." There was a murmur of dissent among the crew of the You-Know-What, Priscilla fiddling with her bandanna nervously.

"Y..You're joking right?" Our hero shook his head with great confidence.

"A mighty pirate never lies about vanquishing his foes!" The crew was yelling now, their cries, yelps and yips rising quickly as Priscilla raised her hooves and calming everyone down. Elaine stepped forward this time, waiting to see what they would do. After a minute or two of discussion, the dejected sheep captain came forward, opening the door to the cage.

"Well fooey," she pouted, the rest of the crew already dispersing, with murmurs of 'Well, guess there's always theme parks' and 'see you at the next meeting' heard. Priscilla was looking rather sheepish (Again, not a hard thing to do), sadly kicking the dirt with her feet. "Mother always said things would end up like this if I became a pirate. Now I have to go back to Planet Threepwood and work as a waitress again..." She shivered visibly, quite possibly on the verge of tears. "I-I-I tried so-so-sooo hard at this! Do you have any idea h-how h-h-hard it was to get all these guys together? Without using money? Or force? I can't be intimidating! When was the last time you f-felt threatened by a sheep? It was really-r-r-r-really haaaaaaaaaard!!!!" The poor ruminant put a fluffy arm up to her eyes and began sobbing uncontrollably, her left also held up to her muzzle. Elaine grimaced at the sight. Despite being an animal-type... thing, she was after all a woman. She sidled up to her, placing a consoling arm about her shoulder, patting her white fluffy shoulders gently.

"There there... It's okay sweetie, it's okay... You did your best." She pulled a hanky out of her shirt, passing it off to the sorrowful Priscilla Emirez Esperanza Portessa. There was a loud honking noise as the two of them walked off, Elaine looking back at the somewhat perplexed pirate. "Guybrush, I'll meet you back at the ship. You can manage alright on your own, right?" He flashed a daring smile, the sun practically gleaming off his pearly whites. He fixed his hands on his hips and laughed heartily.

"You can count on me my flower of the sea. For I am Guybrush Threepwood... Mighty Pirate!" There was a loud bawling and more honking from Priscilla at this, deflating his ego just a bit. As the two walked back into the jungle, he crossed his arms over his chest, tilting his head to the side. "Though I have to wonder... what did LeChuck want them here for...?" He shrugged and turned on his heels taking a step forward to continue investigating... and running into something twitching, soft, and a little cold. He blinked, putting his hand out and patting at... "Fur?" The mass of fur snuffled heavily, a pulling him a bit closer to it. There was a heavy thud, causing him to turn around. His escape was blocked off by two large walls of that same purple mass, and what looked like oversized paws holding together. He ran back over the the wall, running his palms over them, looking for a way out. "No keyhole, no switches... What kind of trap is this...?" There was a rather loud giggle behind him, followed by a series of loud thuds. He turned, rather slowly... only to see a grinning wall of what looked like teeth, rabbit buckteeth in front, and two lilac colored eyes starting back at him. His heart pounded in his chest as he backed against what he could only assume were it's arms... Only to find himself picked up rather unceremoniusly by his shirt, his lower body being supported by a large black paw, the creature that was eyeing him with interest still watching him from below. And it was many many many MANY times larger than him, he noted with dismay.

"Well now... Who are you?" A cheerful, hearty voice boomed at him, setting him down in her (he assumed it was a female, owing to the fact that he'd seen two massive rotund protrusions on his journey upward. That and the voice...) large paw. Large enough for 10 men, maybe more... He stumbled a bit, grunting as he fell, and looked up into a pair of golden-hued eyes, a head of flaming red hair, and an orange furred muzzle with black striped on the sides. Threepwood blinked. He gaped. He gawked. And then he spoke.

"...You're the second biggest fox lady I've ever seen." He said in total and COMPLETE honesty. The giant placed a paw over her muzzle and giggled warmly, the shaking of her body as she did so making Guybrush struggle to keep his footing.

"Only second? Guess I'm not doing my job right then..." She smiled and sat down with a loud thud, a few trees on the edge of the clearing falling over. She seemed utterly unperturbed by this, and she had every right not to be. The trees quite literally only came up to her ankles. "My name is Becky. Becky Cascane, and that fluffy purple people eater over there is Zilena." The one that was lying down stuck out hir (Guybrush found this out later after a rather embarrassing incident which you'll have to imagine. Use your imaginations!) tongue at the massive vixen with a look if mock disdain. She looked down at the tiny man in the palm of her hand and grinned. "And who are you little pirate man?"

He coughed as he stood, his feet pressing into her pads and throwing him off balance. "My name?" He began. "I am Guybrush-" he proclaimed, but falling on his piratey butt as soon as he did, losing much of his composure. He looked up sheepishly at Becky. "...Threepwood. Mighty Pirate."

The creature laughed, a mass of fluff behind her swishing left and right. A cloud of dust, leaves, and wood kicked up, Guybrush lifting his arms up in front of himself to block the debris. He coughed a bit, fanning the air in front of him. He looked in front of him, noticing that the femme who's clutches he was in was NOT going to hurt him, he cleared his throat, taking the opportunity to learn more about what was going on.

"So, what's a foxy thing thing like you doing in a place like this," he asked, dropping his voice in what he thought was his finest 'picking up wenches' voice. She blinked and giggled warmly.

"Well," she began, lifting up her other paw and tapping her cheek in contemplation. "Me personally, I was invited here by a very odd little man who was kind of transparent... He looked rather odd." Guybrush opened his mouth to speak, but thought better of it. "He seemed very... adamant about me coming to this island. I remember telling him no... then he held up weird little doll... And the next thing I know I'm here. There's no lack of food or water here, and the little ones keep us company..." she continued. There was a loud BOOM and a flock of birds flew out of the jungle... followed by a deafening howl and booming footsteps... as a creature even BIGGER then Becky loomed over, easily twice as tall as her, and nowhere NEARLY as friendly looking. Guybrush let out a high pitched shriek of terror as the thing looked straight at him. "Good morning Rogue. Out for a morning stomp?" The monstrosity let out a low, guttural growl, bending down to eye level with the tiny-mighty pirate, and slitting it's lupine eyes at him.

"Thought I smelled meat." The lupine of legendary proportions, licked his muzzle, the thick pink slab of flesh unfurling from his maw and slurping across with dreadful finality, a thin dribble of saliva falling to the ground with a nasty plop. Zilena simply watched this exchange, eager to see how it would go down, shifting hirself onto her rump. Becky frowned, cupping her other paw over her tiny charge and pulling him away.

"He's barely worth the trouble, not even a mouthful." She stood up, theblack sash that she was wearing to keep herself covered falling about her amazonian hips, her chest quivering dangerously as she drew in a deep breath, the black, snug top she wore stretching and creaking ominously, looking up with narrowed eyes at the brown. "There's more for you on the other side of the island." Guybrush sat in darkness for a few moments, reaching into his pocket and fingering the glass vial, the Voodoo Lady's words resounding in his ears. The warmth was becoming stifling, Rogue's growl's becoming more pronounced.

"Is that thing a hyooman? Like that worthless lying pirate who trapped us here?" His words were like nails on a chalkboard. Not for the reason that it was high pitched, far from it. Every syllable was stuffed with venom and contempt for anything that was smaller and weaker than the speaker. There was no love, no levity, just words the bled will ill intent, making your spine curl in on itself. Threepwood tried to suppress his shivering, finding himself unable to. The words 'Mighty Pirate' failed to bring him about this time, every second bringing him that much closer to the moment when he'd be ripped out of her protective grasp and into the wolf's, down the hatch faster than a kudu jerkey pretzel...

"Yes. It is." Her voice chimed in, unshaking and unafraid. The sound her honeyed voice it was like a shot of courage in his veins, making him stop shivering, if only for a moment. There was a sharp intake of breath, a low growl... and a 3rd voice, chirping in.

"He might be able to set us free. Break the curse." Both Becky and Rogue grew silent. Guybrush blinked, and peered out of the small crack of light that was trickling in from his furred cage. He noticed the indigo and yellow animal was looking straight at him, crossing hir arms under her bust (wearing an orange top and sash, though a rather odd bulge was underneath hir sash), hir wings furled back. "That LeChuck person might be gone, from what I heard, but the voodoo curse he placed on us to bind us here is still in place." Shi stomped forward, the ground shaking with each foot fall, and gently lifted Becky's paw, revealing Mighty Pirate Threepwood to the light. Shi held out her paw, and blearily, he took a few steps forward, shielding his eyes from the burst of sunshine.

Zilena grinned, hir eyes gleaming as he stumbled into hir paw. "We can't take the fight to our captor... But he can!" Shi looked up at the brown and rather perturbed megawolf, who was scratching irritably at the red sash that was tied around his waist. "He's our chance for freedom, much as you may not like it." He growled, and leaned down, looking at the petite pirate.

"...You can defeat it? End our curse?" Guybrush swallowed, wanting more than anything to put as much distance between himself and the sociopathic beast in front of him. He saw no other way out of this though, and nodded numbly. Rogue furrowed his his yellow eyes, the black marks on his face making him that much more menacing. He seemed to ponder something for a moment, before turning about, his tail sweeping over the human's head, nearly knocking his head off. He grumbled and stomped off angrily, his footsteps shaking the earth.

"Whew..." Our picayune pirate let out a massive sigh of relief, his knees giving way. "I haven't felt that much pressure since I said 'I do'..." He cast his gaze up at the serbit, taking a deep breath. "Well then, I guess now all that's left is to destroy whatever's keeping you here. What am I after? An ancient treasure that binds you here through terrible magic? A totem that gives you orders to destroy from the great beyond?" Zilena shook her head as Becky chimed in.

"Worse" she mumbled, shaking her head. Her flowing red hair followed suit. "We're held here by a geis, a powerful form of restraint that LeChuck used. There's more than the three of us of course, and as such, an equally powerful and terrible creature was given control of the geis." She trembled, swallowing audibly. "A most foul beast, it nests in a cave to the south side of the island, powerful voodoo protecting it's from the strongest of us. We can't fight it, it's voice forces us to obey. The only reason we have our will right now is because it's been asleep for the past few hours..." Guybrush, his blue eyes flashing with resolve, stood up and grimaced.

"What manner of creature is this beast?" Zilena spoke this time, in a hushed voice, trembling quite visibly.

"The lord of terror... The White Death... The Terror of Plunder Island..." His eyes widened, fear washing over him like high tide.

"You don't mean." Shi nodded slowly, whispering lowly, as if speaking his name was a beetlejuzian rite of bringing him about...

"El Pollo Diablo."

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"LeChuck never had any intention of commanding us himself." Guybrush sat on Becky's head, clinging for dear life to her headfur. "His plan was to capture and bind us and when the time was right, the Grim Clucker would lead us to lay siege on every island in the Caribbean. He had command over the chicken, but with him gone, if what you've said is true, there's nothing keeping him from having us go all out on the Tri-Island area." Guybrush Threepwood, soon to be giant-killer, called out, having to yell over the booming and crunching of trees.

"How long have you been here?!?!" Zilena chose this opportunity to chime in, walking slightly behind them. He turned about, looking at hir as shi spoke.

"For a few years actually. LeChuck was still a ghost pirate when he began capturing us, and made this island his base of operations. He summoned us via dark, voodoo rituals from another world. Some of us joined willingly, some didn't care for his ideas, but in the end we were all forced to obey the chicken." Shi shook hir head. "We were always asleep, and it's only been recently that we woke up... The little ones you tangled with earlier found us after LeChuck had become a zombie, and kept our spirits up, speaking to us as we slumbered. We heard whispers of one who always foiled his plans... Never his name though." Shi smiled brightly, hir enlarged front teeth looking rather charming. "Who would've known it was you?" The flattered Threepwood puffed up his chest, smirking broadly.

"Baby, rescuing lovely ladies like yourself ain't no problem..." he said in that same husky voice as before. Becky giggled, and Zilena just smiled softly. His vulpine transport's laughter stopped abrubtly as they came to a rather large cave, the entrance of which only reached up to her waist at 20 feet, but it was still daunting enough. She reached up with her paws and delicately lifted the half-pint human off her head, bending down and setting him down, letting him step down before pulling her paws away.

She stayed kneeled down, looking into the dread portal. "...It's in there. We're sorry, but even coming this close is like having someone squeezing our hearts in our chests." She spoke with a bit of difficulty, and as Guybrush looked up at her pained face, he realized why. Becky's sash and top were squeezing her body, quite painfully, hard, tortured heaves and pants coming from her maw. Tightening about her robust, shapely hips, the swells of her plump, ample bosoms squeezing out of her black binding, her fur and flesh wobbling with each intake of breath. The tip of her---

The writer would like to apologize for detracting from the story with the ever convenient and readily available 'plot' device of macro boobies and tight clothes. He has taken a cold shower as penance for this, and will not resort to said tactic, lest he be flogged and thrown down a well. Please disregard that last bit and move on. And don't even THINK about what was going to go after tips.

---claw nudged Guybrush forward. "Good luck... Guybrush Threepwood... Mighty Pirate..." She grinned and leaned in, the tip of her muzzle brushing against his head and kissing him lightly. He blushed heavily, staggering a bit as she pulled back up, her warm smile giving him the courage to move onward. He took a deep breath... and entered the cave, crawling over the jagged rocks that lined the entrance...

He climbed onward, the cave walls widening. Luminescent mushrooms provided enough light for him to advance, pale as it was. His shoes clattering noisily on the stone, though the coarse surface prevented him from tripping as the path dipped downward. The lair of the beast was surprisingly warm, and oddly enough, was fairly clean. "Guess the King of all Chickens has to keep his castle clean" Guybrush commented, his right hand sliding against the walls of the cavern. After a few more minutes and an embarrasing encounter with a number of cave bats, (THEY'RE IN MY HAIR! THEY'RE IN MY HAIR!!!!), he came to a pool of water. He dipped his hand in. "Warm. Don't need to worry about freezing in there..." He wondered if he should move on through the water, when he looked down at his pocket and noticed that it was glowing.

Reaching a hand in and pulling it out produced that vial that he had been given at the start of this insanity, which was now letting out a pail green light. Not enough to see the entire cave, but enough to see about 10 feet in front of him. "How's that for a convenient plot device?" he laughed, and held it out, looking into the pool... and seeing a path that extended underneath the living rock. "Guess it's obvious where to go next." He took a few steps back, took a deep breath, and dove in, beginning his trek through the water, keeping the vial in front of him as he kicked his way through the underwater passage...

9 Minutes and 28 seconds later...

A head of blonde hair floated to the surface, followed by a pair of scrawny shoulders, then a thin wiry body. Guybrush gasped for breath, throwing himself on the rock, laying on his back. "Good thing... I can hold... for ten minutes..." he grinned, couging and hacking as he rested to catch his breath. His eyes caught the view of the sun's rays filtering in from a hole in the ceiling of a very VERY large cavern.... About 200 feet tall, even moreso from side to side, as far as he could tell. He closed his eyes for a moment to center himself, but was interrupted summarily by a loud snort and a BUCKAW!!! The noise boomed of the cave walls several times, as Guybrush got to his knees and clapped his hands over his ears. He breathed as sign of relief as the din settled, and turned, his jaw almost falling to the floor. "El Pollo Diablo..." He croaked in disbelief, his eyes seeing what many had believed was myth...

It slumbered fitfully. A good 100 feet tall from wattle to claw tip, and about a dozen men wide, the beast was propped up against the cave wall about 40 yards away. Powerful muscles bulged in it's feathered arms, it's biceps thick as tree trunks. White feathers matted it's herculean body, but not the soft, downy ones that you found on normal chickens. It's plumage was dirty, blood and dirt caked on it's plumage several times over, it's hands black with aged blood. It's thick legs were bent at would be considered it's knees, ending in cruel, barb like talons. Dirty scales lined it's legs, each of it's nails sharp enough to rend flesh with a lazy swipe. Not that it looked like it needed to bother with that... it could just step on a person just as easily. And it looked like it had, as bits of bone still clung pathetically to the pocks and pits in it's soles. It's face... The gargantuan gallus had a razor beak with dozens of serrations on each side, it's mouth wide enough to fit a piano. Pitted with scores of scrapes and cuts, it's beak let out another call of sleeping fury, sending Guybrush diving behind a rock.

He peered around out of the corner of his eye, and gulped audibly. "That's the second biggest..." He shook his head, and wiped the sweat off his brow that was forming. "Who am I kidding, that IS the biggest chicken I've ever seen!" He fumbled for the tiny vial he'd pocketed once more, and with trembling fingers, worked to undo the stopper. "Come on, come on..." he muttered, the cork slowly coming loose. "Almost... There!" And just as he removed the cork with a soft pop, there was a loud roar (followed by a CLUCK!) of rage.

El Pollo Diablo was apparently a light sleeper, much to Guybrush's chagrin. He hurriedly drank down the potion, almost retching as the slimy fluid slithered down his throat, the taste akin to that of a boiled slug. The beast was already on it's feet, stomping around, trying to find the tiny intruder. It's fists opened and closed, slamming against the cave wall. Rocks began to fall from the ceiling, forcing the pirate into the open with a loud yelp. His shoes crunched against the floor, as he realized the entirety f it was lined with hay, feathers, and leaves. He panted heavily, his body tingling with adrenaline as it rushed through his veins... And he froze, realizing that the abomination was staring at him now.

He took a deep breath, and looked up, it's beady yellow eyes looking at him with murderous intent. Mighty as he was, he was still only a little human facing a murderous demon chicken. It approached him, a low growl coming from it's throat. "That's funny... didn't think chickens could growl..." The cavern was about 200 yards in diameter, with a hole in the ceiling that offered his only reasonable means of escape far too high for him to reach. He could try swimming back, but odds are it would catch him, and he'd be chicken feed. He narrowed his eyes, glaring intensely at several tons of angry chicken looming over him... and pointed accusingly at it.

"You there! Stop this at once!" It let out a conused cluck, clearly not expecting this. "Your dastardly deeds end here, you Hell-Spawned Wing-Meal on legs!" It was backing off now, clearly at a loss as the human admonished it... and seeming to shrink away at the sight of him now. The ground began to quake, the walls giving way as they shook violently. "I don't care what plans you seem to think you can get away with, but I'm not letting you get away with it! I swear on my name, Guybrush Threepwood! Mighty Pirate!" The animal was looking cornered now as it backed up against the cave wall, our hero advancing on the now terrified beast, light flooding into the cavern as the rocks around the opening fell to the floor with a deafening crash. His shoulders rubbed against the back of the cave wall, the now tiny beast cowering before him.

Guybrush grinned wildly, feeling stronger and more powerful than ever before. Strength flowed through him, every fiber of his being alive and awake. He let out a yell of defiance, rushing forward as the ceiling to the cave collapsed, El Pollo Diablo letting out a shriek of panic as the roof came down...

----------------------------------

"They're all gone then...?" Elaine was sitting on the edge of the ship, looking out over Monkey Island sadly. Priscilla Emirez Esperanza Portessa (having taken up a new nickname to make things simple for everyone, including herself) nodded, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Aye. I guess once the spell was broken, they were just sent back to wherever they came from." She sighed, leaning over the railing, her own crew having taken off already. "I'll miss some of them... They couldn't respond a lot of the time, but I always knew that the ones that cared were always listening..." Elaine looked out over the island once more.

"And Guybrush? What about my husband, Peep? Is he alright?" Peep clapped her palm over Elaine's shoulder reassuringly. "I'm sure he made it out alright. He wouldn't be a Mighty Pirate otherwise, right?" Elaine turned and smiled at the sheep, rubbing away a tear.

"I suppose you're right. If nothing else, we could go back and-" She didn't get the chance to respond, as the entire island shook violently, the shocks rippling through the water, causing waves to slap against the hull of the ship. The sea off the port bow of the ship churned and bubbled, as something began to rise off from the depths. Otis, having been woken up from his nap in the crow's nest, let out a terrified shriek, Carla trimming the sails in a bid to get them out of there. After a few moments, the shocks subsided, and the sea grew calm...

"...What was..." Carla began, but was unable to finish as the sea about them exploded, a massive wave slamming into the side, sending the ship spinning out of control like a toy boat in a pond. The crew gripped the railing like their lives depended on it (and it did), praying that the world would stop spinning. Out of the corner of his eye, Otis saw some... THING... break from the cresting waves, letting out a roar of conquest, but it was taken out of his view as the ship spun around again and again. Almost a minute passed, a mist of saltwater still falling about them. Otis scrambled down as fast as he could, uneasy on his feet as he positioned himself by Carla at the starboard railing. Carla, mouth agape and arms at her side, merely stood in bewilderment. Peep brought a hand to her muzzle and gasped. Elaine stepped forward, pointing with a shaking hand.

"Oh my..." Her eyes widened, water dripping from every part of her. "GUYBRUSH!!!!!" He grinned proudly, his scrawny bare chest gleaming with water, waving amiably... and towering over the ship, the top of the mast coming up to his waist. (It should be noted, that although he had no shirt, or shoes, his pants and buckle were still intact. Thank goodness for the Ratings system!) He peered downward, still waving cheerfully.

"Hi my little plunder bunny!" He rubbed the back of his neck with embarrasment, looking off to the side. "I think I may have to just follow behind the ship until this stuff wears off... I guess there's a reason why the Voodoo Lady never gave me anything in the past huh?" He let out a sheepish laugh, looking back at the Monkey Island, then back at at the crew. "Guess it was a big secret after all, wasn't it?"

THE END

[The Blue Mage]

Nailed the humor of the games near-spot on, boss! Excellent job.


heh....el pollo diablo
*goats bleat in terror*

[XV-Mon001]

Ha-ha! XD Now this is great~ <3 hehe. Awesome job man~ =3