Macrophile.com

[Thames Aldwych W. Mines]

My First Story
I Worked my ass of on it.
I think it's good.

The circus was in town. Many children begged their parents for ticket so they could go see the animals perform. They beg for money for cotton candy, treats and gifts for friends at school. Parents give in and take their kids for a long, hellish day at the circus.
Before the show starts, elephants, as many do not know, are whipped and beaten behind “stage” before they perform. The main attraction elephant, Orly, was beginning to get fed up with the whippings before he was forced to go on and do stupid little tricks for people's amusement.
People started to file in to the giant circus tent, when Orly was getting his whipping from the fat bastards that were the “Trainers”. Orly turned around to bite the trainer. He bite him hard and got shocked in the face with a stun gun.
Everyone took their seats and started stuffing their greedy faces with popcorn and candy corns when the lights dimmed and the show started. Orly was brought out and proceeded with his performance. Someone in the audience in a black coat threw a piece of popcorn at Orly. The elephant sniffed it and ate it off the sanded floor.
1 hour into the show is when things began to get odd. Orly was getting bigger. People from the audience noticed it and began to get worried looks on their faces. A man walking in front of Orly tripped over his own feet. Orly did not see him and his front foot came down on his torso. The mans guts exploded from his mouth. Orly felt him and just lifted his foot and kept walking. Now people started running and screaming. Orly, on the other hand, was enjoying the panicking people, and he loved getting bigger and bigger. A mother grabbed her 2 small sons and headed for the exit. One of her sons broke loose and was fascinated with the growing Orly. The mother was freaking out but a security guard was shoving her toward the exit. The son ran in front of Orly. His foot stepped down inches from his tiny body. He looked at the elephant's foot. Crevices were lined in the elephant's foot. Thick skin held massive toes with big block like nails in place. The kid got scared when Orly lifted his foot to continue his stride. The little kid fell backward as the sole lowered over his body and crushed him flat. Orly was now big enough that his foot covered an entire human. Orly kept walking with the little boy stuck to the bottom of his foot.
A large crowed formed with people running outside. Orly broke out of the tent with his tusks and looked around the little people. He was growing quite hungry. He lowered his head and opened his massive mouth over the crowd of people. They screamed as his mouth closed around 5 of them. His gray lips closed and right above everyone else's head, he started chewing the people. His jaw moving slowly up and down with little cracking sounds from his mouth. He swallowed with a large lump sliding down his throat. He closed his mouth around a little boy of about 6. The boys arm was being clamped by the lips and was rising above the crowd. The elephant's tongue came out to sweep the boy in his mouth. He was fighting though. Pushing at the lips and kicking the tongue. The elephant managed to get the boy in his mouth. He moved him to his molar and chewed him up. In the crowd, people were running, trying to avoid the elephant's feet as he rocked on them, enjoying the taste of the little people. A man was halfway under the back foot. The bottom of the elephant's foot was surprisingly soft. The man could not breath. Orly lifted the foot off the man, then back down and crushed him flat.
He dipped his head again and clamped his mouth among 18 people and swallowed them whole. He spotted the ringmaster, the one who had abused him for 5 years. He walked over to him, his feet coming down on squirming, helpless people. He got to the ringmaster and lifted his foot and lowered it over the struggling man. He moved his foot side to side and made a red smear in the crowd and walked off.
The police arrived to try to stop Orly. He knocked their cars over and when they crawled out, he stabbed them with his tusks.
Orly was free from the Circus, leaving indents of hundreds of people within his footprints. Between his toes, there were a few people who tried to clutch the foot to save their lives. Now they were writhing between his toes. Orly felt the tickle and shuffled his toes, they were crushed with the traumatic force and left as bloody stumps on the sand, as Orly walked off with the remains of little chidren who had come to see him. People who loved Orly were now smashed to the bottom of his feet. The ones who weren't smashed were eaten alive, or in pieces. Orly had won.

[Duct Tape Fanatic]

Thanks for sharing, I'd like to offer some constructive criticism.

You should separate paragraphs with a blank space, it makes reading long forum posts easier on the eyes, walls of text tend to run together and blur things for the reader.

Second, your plot overshoots development too much, try to give a better explanation for Orly's anger; we know he's being whipped by his "bastard" trainers but what makes today so special? Why is he snapping now? Is a particular trainer too cruel to him?

Third, the growth. It just happens without explanation...you might want to add in an experiment or alien ray, it doesn' have to be believable, just plausible.

Fourth: proofread. You may have worked your ass off, but taking the extra time correcting typos and grammar goes a long way to keeping the audience hooked, it's especially critical at the beginning of the story, the first paragraph even. Nothing turns a reader off more than not being able to understand every other sentence.

This story has a lot of potential, with a little revision it could be much better, again, this is just some advice from a fellow writer so I hope it helps you in the future.

Good luck with future writings.

[Rattus]

10/10

[listix]

Let me add something for both Duct Tape Fanatic and Rattus.

Just check this thread:

http://forums.macrophile.com/viewtopic.php?t=15182

Does the story look familiar?

[Black And White Fox]

Dude, that's plagiarism. He just copy and pasted my story. Thames, get a life.

[Thames Aldwych W. Mines]

Bullshit you fucking faggot, you copied me, YOU should be banned. Fucking stupid faggot. YOU get a life. Stupid fucking faggot.

[gadabout]

oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

Ive seen some bold heathens in my day, but you sir, top the list.

[dragon mith]

whorlpool picture guy wrote his frist......

[Thames Aldwych W. Mines]

Guys, Don't believe Black and White's bullshit. I wrote the story first. WHO BELIEVES ME.

[gadabout]

all right all right...

lets get this settled then. When did black and white post his story and when did this guy post his?