Macrophile.com

Duct Tape Fanatic · Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 4:07 am Post subject:

Thanks for sharing, I'd like to offer some constructive criticism.

You should separate paragraphs with a blank space, it makes reading long forum posts easier on the eyes, walls of text tend to run together and blur things for the reader.

Second, your plot overshoots development too much, try to give a better explanation for Orly's anger; we know he's being whipped by his "bastard" trainers but what makes today so special? Why is he snapping now? Is a particular trainer too cruel to him?

Third, the growth. It just happens without explanation...you might want to add in an experiment or alien ray, it doesn' have to be believable, just plausible.

Fourth: proofread. You may have worked your ass off, but taking the extra time correcting typos and grammar goes a long way to keeping the audience hooked, it's especially critical at the beginning of the story, the first paragraph even. Nothing turns a reader off more than not being able to understand every other sentence.

This story has a lot of potential, with a little revision it could be much better, again, this is just some advice from a fellow writer so I hope it helps you in the future.

Good luck with future writings.

Rattus · Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 8:12 am Post subject:

10/10

listix · Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 8:53 am Post subject:

Let me add something for both Duct Tape Fanatic and Rattus.

Just check this thread:

http://forums.macrophile.com/viewtopic.php?t=15182

Does the story look familiar?

Black And White Fox · Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 3:21 pm Post subject:

Dude, that's plagiarism. He just copy and pasted my story. Thames, get a life.

Thames Aldwych W. Mines · Getting Bigger Joined: 31 Jul 2009 Posts: 12

gadabout · ... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 880 Location: somewhere...

oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

Ive seen some bold heathens in my day, but you sir, top the list.

dragon mith · Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 9:32 pm Post subject:

whorlpool picture guy wrote his frist......

Thames Aldwych W. Mines · Getting Bigger Joined: 31 Jul 2009 Posts: 12

gadabout · ... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 880 Location: somewhere...

all right all right...

lets get this settled then. When did black and white post his story and when did this guy post his?