Shattered

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Shattered

Postby Shingeki » Fri May 24, 2013 8:14 am

Hello, I've been a longgggg time lurker of the fandom and I posted a story a while back, but I've forgotten the username as well as the story :roll: . Anyways, I hope to learn a lot more about my writing style as well as improve a lot upon the foundation I currently have. I will try and post an update every Sunday, probably starting next week, and keep it as a continuous process. I really look forward to constructive criticism and any bits of advice that can help mold me into a better writer.

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The windshield wipers were squeaking away as it hastily removed the fiercely pounding rain and gave off brief instances of visibility. Rain had slowly begun eking its way through the crack of the driver’s window, splashing the driver’s lap and face. Grant always smoked when he was stressed and this was exactly the sort of weather to do so.

He exhaled another plume of smoke as he was struggling to make out the lines on the road. He cursed the laughably limited visibility and hoped the rain would let up enough for his GPS to work. He glanced hopeful that even one bar of connectivity would occur. He inhaled a final drag and threw the cigarette out the window. Savoring the strong taste in his mouth, he mulled over his thoughts.

He had recently turned 21 and had just broken up with his girlfriend. Or rather, she had been cheating on him for 3 months now. The thought of it left a bitter taste in his mouth. He cracked open another pack and effortlessly slid another cigarette into his mouth, flicking the lighter to life. A thought-clearing drive was quickly turning into a pain in the ass.

Not only had he been depressed, he was furious as well. He had felt cheated, and not just literally. The last few months almost felt like they were pointless, even though he had been happy. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, everything was going so well.

He slammed his foot on the accelerator and was rewarded with a growl from the engine. The road blurred in his peripherals and the rain was skidding all across the car. He seemed to endlessly head straight, no turns or signs in sight. Not like he could see them anyways, and he very likely passed a few on the way. Snapping himself out of his trance, he slowed back down to his safe, patient pace.

“Get a hold of yourself Grant, you’re losing it” he whispered to himself.

He had a lot going for him at this point. He had mustered enough courage to apply to a University as well as a scholarship. His parents were so proud when they heard the news. Hell, he was at least twice as proud. Nobody really expected anything of him. It’s what really motivated him to continue moving forward.

He was going to continue living off campus with a few friends from High School. The modest house had already been paid for and the rent was extremely cheap. Grant had even landed a job on Campus as a janitor making good pay for a student.

Things were looking good.

The cigarette disappeared into the bleak darkness until it tumbled on the street, briefly exploding into sparks.

Running a hand through his short dirty blonde hair, he sighed heavily. The only saving grace of his trip so far was that he was the only driver on the road. He was very appreciative of that, killing a pack of cigarettes because of hundreds of careless drivers wasn’t his idea of a good time.

At least he thought.

Instantly, his entire vision was completely engulfed with blinding light. It was as if someone had shone a spotlight directly into his car. He brought up one of his hands to shield him from the light and slowly squinted his eyes. Small black dots peppered his vision as it slowly came back to life, but it wasn’t enough to make out clear visibility. He slowly felt the car lose control underneath him, his heart sank.

A deafening boom echoed throughout the forest. Grant’s head slammed into the air bag as the car hastily folded into the tree. He could feel warmth trickle down all over his face, beginning to drip onto his jeans and dark-blue long-sleeve shirt. Again, his vision began to fill full of dots and now a sense of closing filled his mind. He could feel himself slipping out of consciousness. Grant’s twitching hand fumbled for the door handle, once securing his grip he threw it open. His form was slumping out of the car as he finally plopped onto the ground with soft splash.

Crimson metal littered the area around him and his car hissed in disapproval. He was in agony, but no limbs appeared broken. At least yet anyway.

Tears began to form in Grant’s eyes. Of all places to crash, he ends up doing it on the edge of Macro territory. Every micro, especially humans, is well aware of this term and avoids them vehemently. Except for Grant, he never encountered one in his life and only heard stories and had seen documentaries on them. He figured he could just talk himself out of the situation; they couldn't all be mindless savages… could they?

Grant whimpered as he rolled to his side. Using his car door for leverage, he heaved himself up. Bracing himself on the back passenger door he felt for a familiar touch.

Internally Grant smiled; the cigarettes were only slightly crushed. One thing had gone right so far, but he knew he needed help. Slipping in and out of consciousness and fearing of a crippling concussion, throwing hypothermia on top of it was not his cup of tea. Remembering he brought his phone with, he slid his hand in his pocket. His fingers were gracing the cracks of the screen along with the massive indentation in the middle, he swore as he chucked it into the darkness.

He peered over at the tree that was slightly illuminated by the broken lights of his car.
I guess I could start searching for shelter, he thought to himself. There hadn't been any lightning yet, but being struck by lightning was the least of his worries. He desperately needed to get dry; the rains were chilling him straight to the bone.

He shuffled, bracing himself on the now splintered tree. There were more trees he could make out in front of him, and he pushed himself forward. Slowly, he shuffled from tree to tree, hugging on for dear life. A cave or a massive tree was what he was aiming to look for. He had moved at this pace for what he guessed to be 15 minutes before mentally slapping himself in the face.

My car is shelter.

Grant’s head throbbed as he came to this realization; adrenaline seems to be running out. He shifted himself and made his way back to his car. Thoughts of cranking the heat and reclining back in the chair seemed luxurious to him, and provided him all the motivation he needed. Grant saw a glimmer of the headlights in the distance and smiled.

As he edged closer, the rain drenching him even further, he paused. A massive hooded figure crouched over the car, poking and prodding it. The jacket had concealed most of its identity, and it didn’t help that Grant could only see this figure from the back. The silhouette only appeared to be wearing shorts as well with some sort of shoes on. Grant’s heart began to pound within his chest.

Holy shit. Grant had never been this close to a Macro before, and it would be his shitty lottery luck for today to be the day. He knew there was some sort of Macro fantasy that incurred crushing humans. In addition to the crushing, a candle-lit dinner with a la human as the main course was just as likely. For a moment, he hoped he tasted like shit with carrots. More thoughts were swimming about being used or devoured in various ways. Terror gripped his wits and momentarily paralyzed him. He really did need the help, and this giant freak might just be what he’s looking for.

I guess there’s no other way, he sighed to himself and pushed forward.

Each of his footsteps were sloshing on the damp grass beneath him as he watched the crouched figure peer into the car. Whatever this Macro was, it knew there was supposed to be a driver. It probably was trying to find its latest snack if anything.

Once he was about 10 feet away, he sighed once again and began shouting. “Excuse me! The figure jumped and instantly peered directly at him. He hoped it wasn’t eyeing him hungrily.

“I… I got into a car accident and I tried to look for help…. Please, the names Grant. I…” He stumbled backward and bent over one knee clenching his head. “I don’t think I’m gonna make it” he finished using the last ounce of his strength to look at the silhouette. He never thought much about his own mortality, but dying from a car accident wasn’t on his docket, he still had so much to do!

The figure closed in on him like a hawk swooping in on its prey. Upon closer inspection, he noticed fur was lining the areas where the clothing wasn’t touching. I guess my chance of being prey just increased, he gulped. Lost in his thought, he was suddenly jutting into the air. The fingers were wrapped around him gently, and all he could muster was a meek grunt. The speed in which everything occurred astonished him.

Grant began sliding his hand into his coat pocket; he still had enough room to wiggle around. Placing a cigarette into his mouth, he figured he was facing the firing line anyways, might as well go out with a bang. The fingers slowly loosened around him and he was now sitting on the palm of whatever this thing was. Before he could even scream, he was elevated right directly to the face of the Macro. Flicking his lighter he attempted to light his cigarette.

The illumination that the lighter gave off more than erased any horror that Grant had imagined. The man-sized canines in the mouth of this hungrily eyeing beast were more than enough to send Grant into a delirious frenzy.

The cigarette flew from his mouth as he screamed. The world around him began to drift away as he slowly fell out of consciousness.
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Re: Shattered

Postby arbon » Fri May 24, 2013 9:01 am

o.o ... Every Sunday? Please do try to keep up the pace, I want to see where this one goes. I don't have anything in the way of critisizm seeing as this is an introductory chapter and it does everything an introduction is supposed to do, heck, even confirming that there are macro humans in this world, while using as little exposition as possible. I personally would have liked to see more interaction, or perhaps a note as to the gender or species of this particular macro, but that's better suited for later chapters. As it stands, you chose an excellent place to park your cliffhanger.

Side note, I just love how the main character was driving under the effects of road rage, yet managed to be AWARE of that and took measures to avoid dieing in an accident. Didn't work, but I just like how he wasn't oblivious.
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Re: Shattered

Postby Duct Tape Fanatic » Fri May 24, 2013 12:31 pm

Gratz and welcome on de-lurking. I know it's a big step (I lurked about a year before I posted here myself.) Best of luck keeping to your schedule. I did like how you described the macro's logic as it searched for the guy---seeing a car and knowing there'd be a driver, etc.
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Re: Shattered

Postby Shingeki » Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:57 am

Alright, so there's definitely good news and bad. The bad news is that I didn't maintain my every Sunday update, which was more difficult when life happened. However, on a brighter note I have a new update! I'll try to make at least 1-2 updates per month, I believe that's a bit more reasonable and to avoid anyone getting let down. I'm still getting in the stretch of things with this whole writing thing and I can see weaknesses in my writing, but I enjoy it and am open to criticism/ advice. I think I've found a pretty concrete direction I want to go in, so that should help consistency in the release dates. Anyways, here ya go! tell me your thoughts.

Chirping birds echoed in the distance. Their songs painted a lovely tune that anyone could enjoy. Their pitch elevated and decreased with such ease they could be considered naturals.

Grant instantly shot up, his breathe heaving and sweat drenching his clothes. He found himself alone sitting up in a makeshift bed, consisting of an empty shoe-box as well what looked like cut up clothing. He smirked as he realized the blanket that was covering his legs was in fact a “small” sock.

‘You gotta be kidding me,’ he thought to himself. Oddly, he wasn’t too terribly nervous at the moment. Even as his memory flooded back to him and he analyzed his experience, he figured he should be in some sort of cage. Whoever snatched him up, at least cared enough to put this much effort into making him feel comfortable. Grant deduced at worst, he would probably be a pet. It was pretty uncommon, but people have been kidnapped and forced into such a strange relationship with Macros. Grant began remembering a news article where a teenage girl had been held captive for years as a pet, only once after escaping she wasn’t aware of the microchip that was planted in her back. Her house was torn to shreds and her remains were never found.

Grant uncomfortably shifted and ran his arms underneath his shirt, scanning his body for any sort of stitches. He sighed in relief when nothing was out of the ordinary, except for the bandage that was wrapped around his head. He winced as he poked it with his index finger. Remembering all the blood that was pouring down his head he scanned his clothes. He was wearing clothes that weren’t his own now, it was some sort of goofy textured polo shirt and some uncomfortably itchy black shorts. The black and white diamonds on the brown shirt were ugly to say the least.

Hitting him like a 50 foot wave from a tsunami, he remembered his belongings. Panicking, he pulled himself up to where he was slouching over the side of the “bed”, and peered around the room. Losing his wallet and house keys are one thing, but losing the 200 dollars in addition to all that was a swift kick in the balls. He couldn’t feel it on his person, but he figured he could ask….. how crazy it seemed.

The room seemed very….. normal. Apparently tastes in décor were pretty much the same for both sizes. Grant noticed paintings numerous ranging from a macro couple walking into a sunset holding hands, to random face shots of what he guessed was celebrities. A massive bed was tucked away in the corner of the room, and could sleep at least a hundred micros. It was neatly made with a dark crimson comforter resting on the top of it.

He couldn’t believe how bizarre the situation was, Micros were never allowed into the personal homes of Macros, let alone their rooms. At least, they were kept captive when they ever saw the inside of a Macro’s home. There have been joint businesses trying to link their consumer base together, but nothing like this. Grant laid back into the comfortable “sheet” and rolled over to his side.

‘Maybe this can’t be all bad, I’d probably be in some sort of cage if I were to be kept captive’ . His injury made him feel very fatigued, and all the stress was accumulating once again. His eyes felt heavy, and they began to shut.

Until he heard rustling at the door, a faint shuffling with the doorknob. He sat up and studied the door, Grant’s anxiety levels began to bubble up. Hearing the feint click in the distance of the doorknob finally unlocking, he held his breath. However, he was only met with silence save for a dismayed grunt on the other side of the door.

Sweat began beading on his forehead, whatever made that sound was big. Very big. The figure from the night before swept into his head and fear soaked every fiber in his being. ‘There’s nowhere to hide,’ he thought to himself. Frozen in place, his eyes now bulging and starting to hyperventilate. ‘ Oh god, what if I’m wrong and…..’ before he could finish his thought, the door swung open and had crashed into the wall.

“Shit”

In stepped a massive wolf who was comically overburdened with all different types of supplies ranging from bags of chips to blankets to first aid. It’s arms were wrapped around the entire entourage of items that it was no wonder that it took so long for it to enter. Grant couldn’t see it’s face, but he nervously smiled as he watched the events unfold.

Dropping a third of the supplies as it walked over to the bed, it ended up just dumping the rest onto the bed with a sigh. It turned around and glanced over at Grant. Surprisingly, the wolf froze. Their gazes locked and Grant felt his heart flutter. The wolf was a she, and a breath-taking one at that. Grant never felt attracted to a Macro before, but there’s a first for everything. Well-kept gray fur encompassed her entire body, and she was sporting a black-tank top with some plaid pajama pants. He could still easily make out her figure, she was a bombshell. She appeared athletic and was well-endowed. Grant blushed and turned away, ‘Those are bigger than me,’ he thought to himself.

“Hi,” She began, much quieter than expected, “I’m sorry I woke you up, I only meant to open the door.” She walked over and shut the door, grabbing the supplies that had fallen off along the way. She tossed the rest of the items on the bed, and walked towards Grant. “Would you be alright if I sat down?” She pulled out the chair that was sitting in front of the desk and gave him an empathetic look. Grant nodded wordlessly and braced for an earthquake. Surprisingly, no earth shattering quake was made; all of the old monster movies Grant had seen were quickly turning out to be misleading. Folding her arms behind her head, she leaned back looking at him. “I’m Leona by the way,” She smiled as she finished; “I’m not going to hurt you.”

Grant nervously studied the massive canines in her mouth, each capable of ripping him to shreds if she so felt like it. He knew he shouldn’t feel fear at this point, but hearing stories of Macros being deceptive to entrap their prey kept him vigilant. Grant’s tongue felt tied in his mouth, he couldn’t find the courage to say anything, he ended up just staring at her.

“Oh crap,” She sighed and placed her hand over her eyes, “He’s either brain-dead or he can’t understand me.”

“Uh….. neither” He squeaked. Her ear perked up as it registered the sound.

She allowed her fingers to open a small space which her eye peered through. “What?”

‘Alright Grant, It’s time to grow a pair and start talking, this may be my only shot at keeping myself alive.’ She sat up in her chair and inched closer towards him. “I’m…..” He paused taking in a huge breath closing his eyes as he did so, “not brain-dead and I can understand you, I’m just…. Afraid.”

She sat back in the chair, visibly stricken. She didn’t expect that type of response. “Like I said, I don’t want to hurt you, honest. I really want to help nurse you back to health, or at least well enough to where you can get some professional help.” She smiled again,” Besides, you wouldn’t even be a light snack for me.”

“I’d be a whole meal”

A roaring laughter erupted from the Macro as she shook her head in disbelief. “Oh, so we have a funny guy here eh? So much for being afraid.” She smirked raising an eyebrow. Grant felt the pressure of fear alleviate from his chest and he began to find his voice.

“Yeah, I like to think so,” Grant smiled, “I’ve been known to make a fool of myself from time to time.”

She smiled and leaned in closer to him, looking him over intently. Suddenly, her demeanor changed from playful to a more concerning look, “On a serious note, is everything ok? You’ve been out all-night and have been sweating a lot. I was getting nervous for a while, you seemed to be in rough shape, especially after you fainted. In fact, you fainted a few times.” She frowned looking down at the desk.

Grant was startled at this information, but other than his moderate headache, he felt fine. “I seem to be intact, maybe when it’s darker out we can find a way to get me back to the micro side. I would like to see a doctor, and avoid the public’s eye if I can.” He finished sighing, “Also, and I can’t stress this enough, thank you, I don’t think I’d be awake right now if it weren’t for you….. OH!” He lightly slapped himself on the forehead, “I’m Grant by the way.” He instinctively put his arm out to shake her hand. He began to feel silly after he had done it, but saw her lift her arm up. She placed a gray tree-trunk finger in front of his arm and he grabbed it. She did enough shaking for the both of them, “Nice to meet you.”

She smiled, “It’s been a pleasure Grant.” After finishing their greeting, Leona pushed the chair away and stood up, moving towards the bookcase. Grant got another full-view of her figure, she was stunning, but he was still unsure about what he was feeling. He’s a Micro, let alone a human. At least, she seems friendly right now though, he thought to himself. Snapping Grant from his thoughts, Leona spun around once she found what she was looking for. “I have a few hours until I have to work, so how do you feel about eating junk food and watching one of my favorite comedies?” She smiled holding up the DVD in her hand, “I’ll take you back once I finish up with work in the evening, that should be perfect for both of us.” She finished excitedly.

“I’ve never seen a Macro comedy before, but I’m sure it was a big hit.” Grant smiled at his own pun, but it fell on Leona.

“It’s hilarious,” She said as she slid it into a slit in the T.V. which was resting behind his bed. Her massive hands wrapped around the shoe box, “Are you ready? I’m going to lift you over to my bed; it has a better view from there.”

Grant blushed, “Alright, but don’t try anything funny.”
*************************************************************************************
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Re: Shattered

Postby TendoTwo » Thu Jun 13, 2013 4:23 pm

Wow, that went surprisingly better than it usually goes (not that I am complaining about that of course :wink: ). It almost feels like Grant got comfortable around Leona a little too fast. Leona kinda moved fast too, but then again being the size of a building to him it's understandable since she has nothing to lose or fear from him (as well as might not understand just how scary her size can be to him), while Grant has everything to lose if shes not nice or even careful.

I liked the dialog too, despite how it felt Grant accepted her kindness a little too fast, it felt organic and was funny to read, and a welcome change from the typical stuttering/terrified micro. (I was laughing a lot at the whole brain damaged running gag).

I found the mention of that escaped pet and past joint business to be one of the more intriguing parts of the story (err, giant friendly wolfess aside...). For the pet thing, it seems to imply they killed her for running away, which honestly seemed odd, since if you have had a pet for years that ran away you likely would have developed compassion for it and want said pet back, not kill it for running away. But the part I found even more interesting was the talk about joint business. In settings where the macros aren't actively trying to hunt or kill the micros, it just seemed to make sense that such a thing would happen (not going to re-type the paragraphs of discussion about this from the "Acting!" story) so I was pleasantly surprised to see it mentioned here, also surprising that it happens in a setting where the macros (at least implied so far from Grant's point of view) clearly have little to no protection for micros.

Funny though, I am sure those were just throw-away lines and not really aspects of the story, I tend to sometimes find such lines more interesting than some of the plot.... which never ends well since many times the author forgets they wrote those lines and write something contradictory later :lol:
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Re: Shattered

Postby NeoVid » Thu Jun 13, 2013 11:11 pm

I'm betting the interaction here will be Leona not really believing that an ordinary, well-meaning girl like her could be frightening or dangerous. She's probably for real, and Grant's not in any intentional danger. Any trouble would probably come from thoughtlessness...

TendoTwo wrote:
Funny though, I am sure those were just throw-away lines and not really aspects of the story, I tend to sometimes find such lines more interesting than some of the plot.... which never ends well since many times the author forgets they wrote those lines and write something contradictory later :lol:


Those throwaway lines can really come back to bite you later, that's why everything in my writing is 100% intentional, honest.

As for the escaped pet story, Grant remembers the girl was never found, which probably means she was retaken. Of course, she was taken back by an "owner" who immediately destroyed her home and recaptured her, so it looks like Grant might be pretty damned lucky about who found him.
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Re: Shattered

Postby gadabout » Fri Jun 14, 2013 12:40 am

Well, congrats on coming out of the darkness there mister, and youve come out with an interesting story to boot! You've made macros out ot be a rather deceptive and sneaky bunch and I would like to see if this leona character ends up being a good girl or just another snake.

As for things you could improve I did notice (especially in the first post) that you could do away with a comma or two and replace a couple of those full stops with a conjunction to avoid those fragments and such.

In any case, I do like this :D

please continue it... next sunday (or this sunday, whatever comes first) >:I
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Re: Shattered

Postby TendoTwo » Sat Jun 15, 2013 5:03 am

NeoVid wrote:I'm betting the interaction here will be Leona not really believing that an ordinary, well-meaning girl like her could be frightening or dangerous. She's probably for real, and Grant's not in any intentional danger. Any trouble would probably come from thoughtlessness...


gadabout wrote:You've made macros out ot be a rather deceptive and sneaky bunch and I would like to see if this leona character ends up being a good girl or just another snake.


Personally, while I do hope she is being honest in the way she acts, I am holding my breath until its gotten to the point where it would be out of character for her to be revealed as otherwise. I'm just a bit cynical when things seem to be going too well.

NeoVid wrote:As for the escaped pet story, Grant remembers the girl was never found, which probably means she was retaken. Of course, she was taken back by an "owner" who immediately destroyed her home and recaptured her, so it looks like Grant might be pretty damned lucky about who found him.


Right, this story was from Grant's point of view, which seemed to imply she was killed since he and other humans (whether its with or without good reason) see macros as uncaring monsters towards them. But for the previous reasons I mentioned, realistically it seems to make more sense that her "owner" would want her back rather than kill her for running away.
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Re: Shattered

Postby RaddaRaem » Sun Jun 16, 2013 3:08 am

I'm a bit late to this party but I'll chime in with a comment too. Nice to see a new face posting and quite a story you've already started off with!
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Re: Shattered

Postby kool kitty89 » Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:27 pm

TendoTwo wrote:I liked the dialog too, despite how it felt Grant accepted her kindness a little too fast, it felt organic and was funny to read, and a welcome change from the typical stuttering/terrified micro. (I was laughing a lot at the whole brain damaged running gag).

I'm not sure he got comfortable "too fast." He seemed to mellow out with some humor, but as far as we know he's still pretty nervous underneath and using that to help cope with the situation. (we'll see if that gets touched on later)
As it was he went back and forth quite a bit given he was calming down and rationalizing his situation just after waking up, but then jumping back to fear and confusion/indecision when Leona showed up at the door.

For the pet thing, it seems to imply they killed her for running away, which honestly seemed odd, since if you have had a pet for years that ran away you likely would have developed compassion for it and want said pet back, not kill it for running away. But the part I found even more interesting was the talk about joint business. In settings where the macros aren't actively trying to hunt or kill the micros, it just seemed to make sense that such a thing would happen (not going to re-type the paragraphs of discussion about this from the "Acting!" story) so I was pleasantly surprised to see it mentioned here, also surprising that it happens in a setting where the macros (at least implied so far from Grant's point of view) clearly have little to no protection for micros.

When I read that segment, I was thinking less of a pet and more a kidnapping situation . . . and the captor/captive relationship could very well have been more akin to a real-world psychotic kidnapper dynamic than a captive pet one. (granted, there could be examples of either with such extreme scenarios, but in the context of the violent aftermath of running away, it seemed to make more sense in that context)
On top of that, it wasn't clear the escapee was even killed, but the house was torn apart (may have been sloppily recaptured) . . . and in either case such a brazen action (invading micro/normal territory) would seem less than sane/normal in this society. (no specific indication of what sort of repercussions might result, but at very least there's the established context of relative peace with the macros/micros)
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