Lurker with a story to tell

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Lurker with a story to tell

Postby Gerwulf » Mon Apr 25, 2016 2:32 am

So I have been a lurker on here for a while now, but a lot has changed with me from when I got on this board, so I’ve decided to post what has happened. When I joined, I was in a pretty miserable stage of life. My life consisted of going to school, having fake conversations with others, and participating to a bare minimum, all so I could go home and fantasize on Transformers fanfictions, and later macrophile stories and art. I was at a small school, and while I was popular for the first time in my life, I was more alone than ever. I wanted to do and be apart of great, epic things. I had feelings that had such strong control over me, feelings that desired meaning, love, a deep level of satisfaction, but the mundane everyday life could never solve that. So I came here.

I always liked stories where I dreamed of being a giant. I remember as a kid, when I first figured out how to jack-off even when I wasn’t old enough to, I would and it would give me a feeling of power, and size. Whatever I dreamed of I would always be the giant in the situation, mostly gentle, sometimes not, but always there to help or affect the lives of a tiny. But as I continued down this path, I discovered I could never get big enough in my fantasies to outweigh the possibility that someone could be bigger than me, threaten me. And as I look back now, that was often the motivator for a lot of things in life, to not get hurt. Whether that was lying to friends about broken areas of trust, or exaggerating stories, to get credit and recognition, to not be thrown to the wayside, I was always clamoring to be bigger than I really was, and it would never would hold. I remember looking through stories where the main character would be a tiny, and feeling repulsed, revieling the perspective, as if to claw off the idea of being tiny, but it was really a reaction to the fear of facing a truth I already knew.

Before all this I was in a Christian middle school. I believed all that was taught to me there, and tried to live it. But it was always too hard. But there was a freedom I felt in that time that I didn’t feel later. Two years into that, I went on a trip with a church downtown Chicago, doing daycare for kids in poor communities. I had great time, felt a lot of emotions, did some good things, and learned a lot about a lot a people. But when I got home, I looked at all of those who were on the trip, their lives, what they did outside of it, and felt at the same time my emotions waning, and something overcame me, and I said, “that’s it. God you don’t exist.”

Pretty quickly I fell into all I described above. My love for the outdoors, for gaming, for airsofting, for the few friends I had, was shattered. I never saw it. I was blind to the fact of how things were and why that was. I was raging against reality, and had lost what was keeping a hold on me in life. When friends would ask to hang out, I didn’t have what it took even to hang out for more than a couple hours, because all I was living for was so opposite of theirs and was so self-focused.

Fast forward now. I’m in a Christian highschool. I’m trying to back out of all this because of how destructive it is to relationships, and to myself. I’m addicted to my own emotions. I don’t speak often because i’m so broken inside, just looking for a high, to feel big again. But I just couldn’t escape. People tried to keep convincing me of God as a reality, as my desires and opinions not being the only truth in my life. It took me three years, until I was finally broken down enough, my lie after lie that I harbored in destroyed, whether that was atheism, or deism. They were shattered by my own conscience, and by true experiences from people I trusted. And eventually through a couple of mentors, I learned the reality that trust is all I had. I was going to either trust that there was nothing to trust, everything in life was random, meaningless, and up to me, which then calls the very viability of reason and logic into question, as how can you trust random electrons and chemical reactions as that is all the thoughts are in our heads without God, or I could trust that there is a reason I can even know a concept like trust, that there is a God, who created me, and was the giant I was looking for, looking to be, because I had kicked him out of my life.

Over these past few months, I have been freed from myself, from my wants and desires that drove me into the ground because I was raging against the reality around me. Reality of who I was. I joined the wrestling team soon after that point, and through that my pride, my belief of myself of being someone in some ways more grandiose, but in other ways, far more lowly than I ever was, was crushed through defeats that destroyed that image and lie. It tore away what I never had to begin with. I nearly off’ed myself in my high school locker room during that period with my first handgun, but in little, and plentiful ways, whether they were people showing up at the right time to mentor me, my father going through an anxiety breakdown the year before, or explainable feelings of comfort and love, God got me through that. By the end of the season I had snapped under all the weight I was carrying, spiritually, emotionally, weight I wasn’t meant to carry, and spent three weeks out of school, in an outpatient anxiety program. During that time I read the Bible for the first time for myself. I was talking with God daily, answers were provided to my questions in awesome ways whether that was where I read that day, or people brought in to my day to talk to. Individually, I would think anyone telling that someone just being at a certain place and time was God would be spewing horseshit, but seeing, feeling, and experiencing God's love, justice, grace, every day, I couldn’t deny Him any longer. Just recently I went to Israel, were everyday, the team of 12 I was with would hop in a car and ask God to lead us to an Arab village. We would start driving, and a town would come to our drivers mind. Then we would pray once there that we would be lead to a person of peace. Every time it was clear; a whole family at home, when everyone else was at work or school who had just been in a similar situation as one of our team members with family having cancer (One of our team members was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer, was given a year left to live, was told by God not to worry, and now is in remission); A family sitting out, the only family we saw driving through the poorest and most dangerous town in Israel, one that had lots illness and cultural shame, that we cried and comforted with for more than an hour. There were those big things, and then there were small things. Such as breaking my glasses, and then the hotel being next to the only glasses repair shop within 50 minutes. Getting reservations for dirt cheap with cause we were thrown into a tour group at a 5 star hotel. God held us and cared for us that whole time.

A few days ago I had a feeling that I needed to write something for this board. God is the one doing the work, and so I trust there is someone out there who could use this message. God is the good giant. We rebelled, we pursue lies, we place things in our lives higher than they are, we make them idols, when we are designed to follow the God of the universe. We are His. God is a kind, and gentle God. What you are looking, what you are starving for, He can provide and only he can provide. You can keep clamoring for some fulfillment here, but you will not find it. Only God can raise you up, grow you, and do it in the way intended, the way you are actually looking for. He shrunk himself down, as a human, lived a life where he depended on God for everything, because that’s the situation we are in whether we accept it or not, and was a sacrifice, as he had the means to save us as God is the only one who can give life, and was resurrected, so that if you accept Jesus as God, as the one who payed the penalty for your evil, which is death, and surrender, give up all the shit and lies you hold on to, God gladly will cover you, will forgive you, will guide you, love you, be with you. And you’ll find he never was anywhere else. God is a gracious and good giant, who loves you more than you can grasp. His love is better than sex. Seriously. Turn to him. Repent, which is to declare a desire to think a different way, as the way that you are thinking, living is now wrong, and ask for forgiveness and to be his, and you will be for eternity. He will change you, he will fix you, just ask in earnest and it will be given. That’s one of his promises.

If you want to message me, message me on here, or if I’m banned, message me on deviantart, username: Gerwulf1
Newbie / Lurker
Newbie / Lurker
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Joined: Tue Feb 18, 2014 2:02 am

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